Hello, I’m Diana, I’m the Mayor of Doubt City and the coolest thing about Doubt City is that wherever I go, I am still in Doubt City. If I’m being honest, being the Mayor here sucks.
When did I learn to doubt myself? Why do I generally believe that someone else knows better than I do?
The Story
Last week, I was on the subway on my way home from work. I’ve been taking this subway ride for years and at my stop, the doors open on the left. Or, so I thought.
It was just me and a man in the subway car and when the announcement for the next stop was made, he moved to the right side of the train.
Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure of myself.
I looked around and then decided he must be right. I moved to the right side of the train, just as the subway pulled into the station and I realized I was initially correct, the subway doors would open on the left.
I looked at him ashamed, angry and defeated all at once. Why did this shake me to my core?
The Realization
Doubt is something I and many people live with on a daily basis. Maybe for me, it was my upbringing as a girl in a patriarchal society and traditional European community. Deference was considered polite and celebrated.
Suggesting that I might not know or could be wrong, was expected and even rewarded with a kind smile and a little chuckle.
I also often don’t feel comfortable making a decision without running it by (read: secreting approval from) someone else.
All of these little moments, choices and now habits have turned me into a people pleaser and someone who lives with daily doubt.
Now I find myself on a subway, about to pick a nail colour at the salon, looking at a word I know is spelled wrong and wondering … do I really know what I’m doing?
The doubt living quietly within us is inseparable from people pleasing tendencies and feelings of insecurity.
Doubt stems from a belief that others know better than you do. Doubt majorly hampers our independence, autonomy and peace of mind. Doubt can haunt us in moments as small as seconds before the subway door opens but also in moments that are bigger, when to take a job, when to leave a relationship or when to speak out.
While it’s inevitable that we all doubt ourselves sometimes, I think it’s very important to release ourselves from what I call, “daily doubt”.
How do you hear that deep “knowing”, as described by Glennon Doyle, and be brave enough to hold the consequences of being wrong?
The Takeaways
Well, for starters… balance will change everyday and there is almost nothing in life we can be certain about.
There is no rule of thumb. There is only ever you, and a moment of doubt.
So here’s how you crush doubt. Remember in school when we learned about what to do in the event of a fire? Stop. Drop. And Roll. Same same, but different.
Step one: STOP (Pause)
This step is the hardest, because we don’t often even notice that we are operating from a place of doubt. But, practice makes perfect.
- Pause and notice that you are feeling doubt. Recognizing this emotion is the first step to disbanding it.
Step two: DROP (Drop in and notice your unhealthy beliefs)
Here are a few things you can do to challenge your thoughts and drop unhealthy beliefs:
- Ask yourself, “what is the story that I’m telling myself?” For me, on the subway, that story would have been, “This man seems to know better than me.” When you begin to notice the story that your thoughts are telling you, you can poke holes in it and challenge those self-deprecating thoughts.
- Notice how you are comparing yourself to others. Everyone is comparing their perceived worst trait to the best of another. Social media is a breeding ground for comparison and by extension, doubt.
- Avoid distractions – in moments of doubt, don’t look at your phone, defer to someone else or phone a friend, instead:
- Stay still or do an independent, mindful and calming activity (e.g., take a few deep breaths, go for a walk, meditate, journal, do yoga).
- Dig in and ask yourself why did I start to doubt myself? Understanding who and where you feel doubt is powerful information on the journey to understanding yourself.
When you take time to get curious about where the doubt is coming from, you’ll be in a better position to make the best decision for you. For example, learning new information may be an important reason to change your mind. However, responding to social pressure and power dynamics is often not a good reason to change your mind or make a different course of action.
Step three: ROLL with the punches (Take action)
Practice honouring yourself and defying your doubt, by taking the best course of action for you.
- If you want to wear the pink shoes and someone tells you to wear the black, hold tight, put on those ugly pink shoes… live it up, you picked them.
- Be willing to get it wrong, or right. Follow your gut, raise your hand and speak your mind.
- Practice honouring yourself in small ways, which will eventually lead to you honouring yourself and kindly releasing your doubt in big ways and big moments.
Most of the choices we spend hours overanalyzing and doubting ourselves in, don’t actually matter. We are just wasting time, energy and weakening our fortitude. The more you practice being brave and trusting your gut, the easier it will be to do make the choice that’s best for you in the future. Think of it as putting $20 in your future self’s pocket. Support the you tomorrow by making brave choices today.
The Conclusion
We can’t all be Gwen Stefani and have no doubt. We all know that, “our memories…. they can be inviting…but some are all together mighty frightening…”
Ok I’m done. Couldn’t resist.
Long story short: If you have doubt, you’re not alone. The first step is noticing it, the second step is challenging the doubtful thought patterns when they show up and the final step is doing it anyways. Practice makes (im)perfect.
